I think I started watching this video even before we split. This, plus “Video Games” by Lana Del Rey became a bit of a ritual for me; it still is. I didn’t quite understand why I was so drawn to it. I thought, “This is ridiculous, you have NB. You don’t identify with this song.” And it was true to a point. I didn’t. I’d pushed all the crappy ex shit far away. I’d let my new happiness flood in like I was flooding the damn Coliseum.
I couldn’t understand why it had just grabbed me. I was definitely in the other “it’s all for you” camp.
Then I listened again. More. Harder. I put myself in the words and finally realized it. I realized that I was worried that I’d be just “a girl I dated”. If there’s one thing that connects my past few relationships it’s the awful sinking feeling afterward of “it never even happened.”
That I never made an impact on anyone’s life. That they pursued their lives and their choices completely without a thought to me. That there is only ONE photo of the two of us together. (Yes, some of that may be attributed to the fact that I don’t love having my picture taken.)
No parties, no excuses for random photos of us. No anniversaries and only one vacation taken. No documentation that we ever existed. And that I felt like once it was done, it was erased like someone shook an enormous Etch-A-Sketch. Melted down. Cleared away and made clean to start again.
So that the life that I thought I had could be lived by someone else. To become nothing, barely a memory.
Just somebody that he used to know.
First things first: you guys are so wonderful with your kind words and I’m sorry to leave this place languishing. I’ll try to be here more often. SO! Onward? Onward.
Well, that up and did it.
Here’s the thing: I really, really didn’t want to write another break up post. You’ve read them, I’ve read them. We’ve all rolled our eyes at them. I’m not going to proclaim that I am a “singular creature” and “one day I’ll find someone who values me” and blar di blah blah blah. I know all of that already. My self esteem is not an issue in this. The Witz recommended that I “be kind to myself” which I later wondered aloud to The Moms, “when was I ever NOT being kind to myself”?
My very nature is to put myself first. I’m an only child, and it’s ingrained in my DNA. In fact, part of my therapy was in learning how to be in a relationship and actually be ok with caring for someone else as well as myself.
So why the post? Oh, who knows? After reading Katie’s post I sobbed; but that’s not unusual at this point. If I have a day where I only sob once I’m shocked. Yes, I’ve been crying every day, multiple times a day ever since things ended. Believe it or not, it took The Witz saying “YOU’RE DEPRESSED” several times yesterday before I admitted to myself that it’s ok to be weeping several times a day. As it turns out, I’m supposed to be doing that. Which, yeah, I’d like to fast forward through this part. The thought that it could take 4 months or so to get over all of this makes my stomach roil. I’ve barely handled three or so weeks sane.
But here’s the really crazy part:
I’m going to “fight” for it. That’s right; I’m doing what every modern female bone in my body says not to do. Not because I think anything will change; I’m fairly certain that no matter how nice Nice Boy is (and it is IS) he’s not ready to be in the kind of relationship I need.
But, I will email him (date already determined for maximum emotional strength). I will tell him that I want to talk. I will say that I don’t understand why we couldn’t try to make things better. I will say that I know it’s not easy, but I loved our life as it was. I will say that I need to know EXACTLY what it is that wasn’t working for him.
I’m “fighting” because I’ve never fought before. I’ve never cared enough to say, “this doesn’t make sense…why are you running from something that is good, even if it’s terrifying right now”. I’m fighting for me.
So that I can look back and know that I did everything within my power to ensure my own happiness.
I’d love to say something like “Oh hello! I forgot ALL ABOUT you little blog.” Truth is I haven’t forgotten; hell I just paid the hosting fee. I’m struggling with a way to come back. Struggling with what has transpired over the last few weeks and maybe even months.
I’m not sure I’m ready to put it all out there. Makes it kinda final, don’t you think? I just sit here and anxiously pick at my fingers, wondering how I’ll tell it all. Wondering how it will all look and sound.
So if there are any of you still out there, just know that I am thinking about this little home of mine. Staring at a blank post wondering what it is I have to say.