I have a bad habit of “forgetting” some things.
This isn’t a post about my memory issues though. I forget things when it’s time to talk about them in therapy. I forget how much pain I’m in when I really think deep down about how I really, really do think that Dan was my last shot. I do. And I can’t stop thinking that. I understand that we were fundamentally flawed, and maybe even I saw it then, but as much as this makes me hate myself, I was willing to live with it. I was willing to only be partially happy because I thought it would be my only chance. Because I believed and still do believe that somehow I’m not going to ever find the person I deserve and I might never find that person because I’m just stuck. I’m stuck in the belief that Dan was my shot. My imperfect, only slightly happy shot.
I’m writing this so I don’t forget to talk about how much I’m so tired. How much I consider being miserable and alone because I just really don’t have the strength to do what it takes. I don’t have the strength to fight to be happy. I don’t have the strength to combat the idea that Dan wasn’t my shot. I hold onto that belief because I have to. I have to because if I don’t what else do I have left?
I don’t have what it takes to change myself fundamentally so that I could maybe, someday who knows when meet someone who might maybe someday love me for who I am.
So I hold on to someone I made myself believe felt that way. And I don’t know how to let go.
I have to remember these things because if I don’t, I’ll be lost.