The sky

So, I’m sitting here on the second to last day of my job, really without much to do (because I don’t actually have clients anymore). I’m reading this blog post and listening to this:

(Which BTW is some of the most oddly inspiring music. Seriously, it makes you feel like you’re in a vignette scene from a superhero movie)

And I get to the part where the author says, “80% of finding someone comes down to being your most attractive self, which – like so much in life – just means putting your time in the right places. If you’re exercising, socialising, well nourished and growing in your career, you will radiate attraction automatically.”

Now, if you’ve been paying attention long enough, you’ll know that I’ve had a rocky as fuck 3-4 years. I have found love, lost love, had brain surgery, been beaten down at work more times than I care to remember, questioned everything I am, made really shitty choices, almost had to be put in the mental hospital…the list is lengthy and sad.

But I digress.

I’m reading this article on my last few days at a job that I have LOVED. I’m leaving the first job I’ve ever been sad to leave. I am leaving an incredibly wonderful team with an amazing and inspiring boss. A boss who honestly cared about my success in life. One who has done nothing but support my professional growth. I am sad.

But, I am leaving to go to a job with (nearly) unlimited possibilities. With more money. A job that finally is equal to my skills, experience and age (because with age comes wisdom).

Sure, I’m not quite at the weight I want to be right now. But I am stronger (physically) than I ever have been. I participate in one of the most challenging forms of exercise on the planet. I go in (almost) every day and put on a suit of armor (or lululemon pants) and walk with my shoulders pinned back and know that I’m going to feel like I’m dying, but I’m not. I know that I have a group of 10 people cheering me on if I need it.

Yes, I’m still single but I’ve stopped looking for validation in the wrong places. I’m learning what I deserve and learning to not even bother (forget settling) for anything less.

This past year has taught me that I can be tossed into a pit of fire and I KNOW that I can and will come out the other side. This past year has taught me that I deserve someone standing DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF MY FACE telling me that they love me. That I deserve to have people around me who will show up, that they care about my life as much as I do.

Some things I’ve left behind have deserved to stay where I stomped them down. Other places I’m leaving and I’m not entirely sure what I’ll do without them. But in the end, I feel like I am in some crazy superhero movie.

Right when they realize just what their powers can do.

Sonnet for the lost

I always like re-examining posts from months gone by that I’ve written but never published. This is one of them. It still holds true, but now I’m not nearly as wistful. I have a feeling of triumph from the loss. The loss now propels me forward.

What means so much now can so quickly vanish. Because nothing is set. Nothing is secure.

In a few months, maybe even weeks you’ll be gone and I’ll hardly notice – gone with the others who have faded before you.

Nothing dramatic, for drama implies meaning.

Just slowly changed from sepia to black and white to nothing.

The fear of course is always having members of the lost, no one of the permanent.

Hard truths

The last few months of self discovery have been super odd. Like a wound healing. Immensely painful, but somehow getting better.

One of the things I’m learning is how much parts of myself are at odds with each other. Being an only child and used to being by myself, I’m really attuned to being lonely. It’s always sucked but I’ve sort of gotten used to it.

Another part I’m getting to know is an intense desire to belong. I’ve never been a joiner and yeah, I generally don’t like most people. But two really important people have pointed out to me lately: I seem to keep putting myself in situations that allow me to be my overly sincere, and less guarded self.

It’s weird. I didn’t realize people have been seeing that aspect of me.

That’s all I’ve got. No big conclusion. Yet.

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