I always like re-examining posts from months gone by that I’ve written but never published. This is one of them. It still holds true, but now I’m not nearly as wistful. I have a feeling of triumph from the loss. The loss now propels me forward.
What means so much now can so quickly vanish. Because nothing is set. Nothing is secure.
In a few months, maybe even weeks you’ll be gone and I’ll hardly notice – gone with the others who have faded before you.
Nothing dramatic, for drama implies meaning.
Just slowly changed from sepia to black and white to nothing.
The fear of course is always having members of the lost, no one of the permanent.
The last few months of self discovery have been super odd. Like a wound healing. Immensely painful, but somehow getting better.
One of the things I’m learning is how much parts of myself are at odds with each other. Being an only child and used to being by myself, I’m really attuned to being lonely. It’s always sucked but I’ve sort of gotten used to it.
Another part I’m getting to know is an intense desire to belong. I’ve never been a joiner and yeah, I generally don’t like most people. But two really important people have pointed out to me lately: I seem to keep putting myself in situations that allow me to be my overly sincere, and less guarded self.
It’s weird. I didn’t realize people have been seeing that aspect of me.
That’s all I’ve got. No big conclusion. Yet.
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.